bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
