can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
