He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
