Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it glows. i had to have it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
