took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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