i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
