I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
