my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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