dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
