Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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