I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
