i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
