Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
