Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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