I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
it's great music for shaving your balls
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
