Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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