She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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