alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
