Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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