apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the day after is always just damage control
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
