I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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