My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
