Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
