i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
