i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
