Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
