I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize