when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
