I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
