If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
