When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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