I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Farmville is her only friend.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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