Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have aggressive nipples.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
