im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize