Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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