I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
