i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The best revenge is premature balding
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
