Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
