My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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