i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
