she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
