He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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