Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
