i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
