In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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