i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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