So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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