There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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