She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
