i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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