Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize