You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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