My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
