Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
