Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
