Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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