I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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