I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
