He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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