we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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