All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
