nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
