I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
