there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
