o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Randomize
