I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
