there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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