I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
