Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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