i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
